I feel great
I just peed on a car
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
