Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
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