so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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