if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
They have beer where we have blood.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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