I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
