If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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