he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
