very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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