I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
