I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
