I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
