i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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