She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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