she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
