just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
