I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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