WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
