Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
