Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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