I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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