I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
