i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
