This is not my ceiling
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
