I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
