just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
