I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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