I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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