Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
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I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
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you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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