I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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