Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
