just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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