Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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