Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
