Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
