I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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