Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I love having hate sex.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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