i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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