1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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