do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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