Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
