Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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