I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
