I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
