Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
