And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
