respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
