My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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