just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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