forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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