ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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