party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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