Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
What a dumb baby whore.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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