It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
