I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
