Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
