I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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