I accidentally had phone sex last night
we're chasing vodka with high fives
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
