I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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