Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
