Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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