Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
