Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
