I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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