i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
