I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
