when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
he fucked my hip out of place.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
