my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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