Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
